A new start, plans and such things

Today I finally hold the signed contract in my hands. It's a good feeling and it represents a new start. I have plans, I have confidence, I have power. I will change! It starts now...

Just some plans

Sometimes it helps to write down what you plan, so I will do it now. I want to read like in the old times, like always having at least one novel to read and some other stuff. I want to get more in shape with my body, find a healthy way to get back to what is good for me; want to quit on alcohol, even as I know I will never really be a guy who will totally refuse it at all costs. I want to start to write again, want to make something out of me...

Want to be someone who can look in the mirror again without shame, fear and regret... I know this sounds sad... and it is... but I can change... I will because I want to... The corner stones are allready layed down... now let's make a path to walk on to the goals I just set...

I see changes

I find my way in a cloud of rain, behind it the sun may be willing to shine on. The path is full of stones, treacherous and dangerous. But I start to feel better. I can't say why, but it's something that happens. Hope will be stronger than the old feelings and deliver a new way to live...

This doesn't fit with 5 sentences

Well the time changes, the time rushes on. I've just received a call from her and it seems that there is a way to go on. But it depends on how I will go on, how I will change, how I will tend to do things... it depends... it's just in the flux and its more or less a decission yet to make. I'm not sure what it is, if I still love her, if it's shame that is still in me or what ever the reason is, that I'm not totally happy, not blasted away by the sheer call and that she seems to miss me in a way, even if she doesn't admit it.

I have to go a new way that's clear. I have to change and have to make better choices. Not better choices about her and me, and not questioning my feelings for her. But still I question myself, if there hasn't something changed in me regarding my feelings for her. I'm not sure. Maybe I have awaken and have realized what I want to become and what I'm now.

I'm not a bad guy, I have a heart open for the people who I really care for and in general I'm a friendly person. But I don't know really what I want, do i?

Mabye the changes that will happen, now that I have signed a contract for a new job in Munich and all the thoughts, this totally weird feelings, which I'm not ablte to pin down on anything, will find a way and make clear who I want to become.

But there is a way, there is a path... There are certain possibilities and so much room to change and anything can happen... It just is this: Let's make it happen and be sure it is to your liking!

Hazy

It's somehow hazy deep inside. Can't really see and can't guess where it leads to. I don't know for sure if this is the end between her and me. But does it matter anymore?

Change, Change, CHANGE!

Well there were certain things that happened which made damn clear: I have to change so many things to get back on the road. I hope and guess that finally I have understood. But truth always tastes bitter...

Strange day and strange feelings

I would like to rush out and cry. I would just like to die. I would try to be strong, but for how long? Why do I have this torture to endure? Just because I love her?

Munich again. Job interview. Rain. (Monday)

[about the 20th of August]
Another interview went fine. Came too early, waited in the rain and read about some nifty tricks. Munich was grey and sad. But it seemed somehow to be a place I became to know more clearly. My flat's still a mess, but the new books (Gibson and another Burdett) arrived. I read on until the night was calling for sleep.

Weekend (Friday, Saturday, Sunday)

Friday evening was full of good food, happyness and more. Falling in love is what's happening again and again. I can't touch her without all the feelings. Saturday was relaxing time. Sunday was just another day full of books and sleep and linux.

Tired, rain, slow and still ok

Tired in the morning since I couldn't sleep well. Raining every now and than. Slow day and still everything is ok. Reading on and waiting for new stuff to arive. Nothing much to say.

A free day full of sun

[about the 15th of August]
A free day and enough sleep for me. Relaxing, talking, eating and just having a good time was todays mission. Accomplished. Summer made a little visit. So we lay in the grass and let the hours pass.

Less sleep, Training day and new book

[this is about the 14th of August]
Just 3 hours of sleep and I'm awake like having too much coffee. Training day was good but I would like to be better. They still seem interested. Got a new book on unix so the passion for it rises again. Guess, I'm on my way to find exactly where to go from here...

Coffee. Unix tools, Reading, Tired

The day started with coffee, and more was to follow. Unix commands, tricks and hackings to fuel my brain. Another novel about Bangkok haunts and thrills. Getting new clothes for tomorrow’s training day cost my nerves. Tired, and still I have to awake early...

Sleep, books and plans

Sleeping like a child, dreaming like forever. Reading until the end and wishing there was more. Hope starts to flower in me. But do I have the power? I walk on and try to be patient.

What is this about?

This will be my personal journal... Five sentences for every day to tell what was happening, what's bothering me and so on...